i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Randomize
