Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
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