What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
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