You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Randomize
