I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
