I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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