I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Randomize
