That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
someone get that fucking seahorse.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
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