420 ftw
Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
