Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I spent a large portion of the night trying unsuccessfully to keep hayley (who was wearing a dress and no underwear) from doing handstands, but yea it was fun. the boys had fun
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Randomize
