There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
even my farts smell like vagina
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
