Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Randomize
