Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
We're too hungover to prance.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
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