please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Randomize
