I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
