dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
