I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
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