She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
