apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Randomize
