so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
