It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Randomize