Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Randomize
