The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
