FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
