It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
Randomize
