She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
