Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
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