i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
