____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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