Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
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