Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Randomize
