Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
youre talking to a girl on facebook chat right now and im sitting behind her in class lol. creepy?
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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