I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Randomize
