the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
