Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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