I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
stop calling my apartment porn island.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
