Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
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