She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
Randomize
