Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
