If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
