Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
Randomize
