Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Randomize
