dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
