Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I'm way too hungover for life right now
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Randomize
