So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Randomize
