If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
