my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
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