I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Randomize
