Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
