dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
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