i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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