There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Just invented taco cereal.
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Randomize
