His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
I wish you could order shots online.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
