He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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