Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
