I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
I seem to have left my pride at pride
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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