Capitaan dildo arrescate!
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
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