i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize