Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Rumble strips road head = magical
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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