she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
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