Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
