her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I am one with the molecules
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
