I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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