He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
Randomize
