She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Randomize
