the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
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